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(AP, CIA, CNN, FOXNEWS (ACCF)) August 24 2003--U.S. weapons inspectors in Iraq have uncovered several violations of the United Nations resolutions imposed on Iraq after the first Gulf War in 1991 according to our secret CIA sources.
1. Anthrax contaminated specimens were disposed of in 30 gallon Tuffy garbage bags instead of Glad Sandwich bags #2. The French prime minister refused comment on French stockholders in Tuffy. 2. In one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces, chemical weapons experts found a tube of Colgate-Palmolive toothpaste. A Wall Street source says that a large German bank has been pouring money into Colgate. 3. The Navy has found two sea turtles that grew to the length of 25 inches. By UN regulations, sea turtles can only grow to a length of 24 inches before they are deemed a terrorist threat to oil tankers. The Hussein brothers were unavailable for comment. 4. According to sources close to the weapons hunt in Iraq, before the invasion of Baghdad, weapons inspectors were tools of the CIA. Now it's the other way around. CIA sources also indicated that U.S. weapons inspectors have discovered that Iraq is the size of California, contrary to the reports of previous UN weapons inspectors. UN weapons inspector Hans Blix had no comment, but his assistant said: "We gave the friggin' map to George Bush. What more do you want?" Not all the news this week was good news. There were a number of setbacks as well. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reported that 100 U.S. soldiers slipped and fell on their bayonets when throngs of cheering Iraqis threw roses and rice into the streets. The Pentagon has sent investigators to determine if there were Chinese contractors supplying the rice. Meanwhile the British are having difficulties with a plan ordered by Prime Minister Tony Blair regarding Iraq's biological weapons. Acting on the biological weapons threat named by Tony Blair in "anybody's living room," British soldiers managed to set up a camera in every Iraqi and British home. However, the new program of biological weapons surveillance was about to launch when British soldiers discovered that Iranian oil went into the film and camera plastics. There was no report on when the matter would be resolved. In other news regarding our British allies, reports continue to confound Prime Minister Tony Blair that he requested that Army intelligence "sex up" every living room in Britain. Accounts vary as to whether he also ordered actions for Iraqi living rooms. Public opinion polls have shown an immediate drop in Blair's support following the reports. In this continuing threat to Tony Blair's political career, ACCF is breaking a new story based on exclusive sources in Whitehall. Payroll stubs for the employees set up to watch the living rooms of every British and Iraqi home have shown that at least three Whitehall surveillance employees are the daughters of the nephews of the 53rd son born to Osama Bin Laden's father. "The significance of this to Tony Blair's career can hardly be underestimated," said Cambridge University Professor, Sum Razit Pick. In other news developments today, India refused to send 100,000 soldiers to Iraq. "We made it clear to the Coalition Command, that we did not want Indian soldiers operating in the Unleaded or Super-Test occupation zones of Iraq," said Prime Minister Vajpayee. Vajpayee had been under pressure from his army commanders expressing the opinion that there would be more casualties in the Unleaded and Super-Test zones of Iraq. However, ACCF has learned that the last straw for Vajpayee came when Tony Blair refused to turn over the Wimpy's burger chain to Indian fast-food restaurant investors. "We just didn't want any British military operations associated with 'Wimpy's' without a corresponding endorsement deal for the Army," a Blaire aide allegedly said. Meanwhile, American deli investors scrambled into damage control mode this week when Army spokesmen claimed trademark protection for both the "52 Most Wanted" deck of cards and the rights to the "Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys" deli chain in France and the United States. An anti-trust suit against the U.S. Army looms, as Kraft has made it clear that it wants to sell Cheese Whiz in France.
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